by Kerry Hasenbalg
“By his death, Jesus opened a new and life-giving way through the curtain into the Most Holy Place.” –Hebrews 10:20
My mother called to say she was coming up to my house to get some more baby stuff for my sister-in-law Jenn. Two days before she had borrowed my co-sleeper and baby glider for Jenn since I would not need them because my baby had died in the womb. I was pretty happy to give these things the other day and had actually offered them in the first place. But for some reason, when she called for the baby wrap I fell apart. I told her that I know it is my issue and that it is not rational, but I am struggling letting go of these things since they were intended for our baby whom we lost. I asked her to wait for a couple of days and then I would bring them myself to Jenn.
When I got off the phone, I began to cry, and I pictured the men at the foot of the cross of Jesus casting lots for His clothing. Even though it was not my mother’s intention to be insensitive (she is one of the most sensitive people I know), it just seemed to be a similar scene for me. I felt like Mary kneeling at the cross still in mourning over the loss of her child as my child’s things were already being taken. I cried out to God in my heart, “It seems so wrong for others to be benefiting from our loss, particularly so soon. Help me with this Lord.” And He immediately ministered to me by reminding me how exceedingly and immediately I benefited from His loss – the death of His son! And this was God’s only begotten Son. His greatest loss, my greatest gain. I know He understands my mourning and my feelings.
Suddenly those baby things were just things because I had heard from my Lord. And my understanding of God’s great sacrifice grew tenfold. I love my brother’s family and their new baby desperately. It has killed me to think that they were forced to mourn with us simultaneous of their own rejoicing over the birth of their son. Somehow this was too great a paradox. Mourning does not belong at the birth of a new baby – but my brother and his family could not escape it – we were losing our daughter only four hospital doors down from where they were holding their new born son. And my brother spent all night walking back and forth from the room with his newborn son to my room where I was laboring to deliver our daughter, Isabella, who no longer had a heartbeat. And now came yet another great paradox—their benefiting from our loss with the “stuff” we would no longer need for our baby. It was just another one of those ironies; one of those things that don’t fit together. And yet, God spoke and reminded me that His greatest love is the greatest irony of all. His greatest loss was our greatest gain. His greatest loss was my greatest gain. Eternal life came to me because God gave His son for me! And so, in some super small way, to be like Jesus is the opportunity I have found set before us.
The great paradox of death and life (which I have now experienced personally with the birth of my nephew and the death of my daughter happening at the same time on the same hospital floor) came crashing together most profoundly in the cross. God’s great grace.
Wow, what a testimony! I appreciate your honesty, transparency, and vulnerability. I cannot imagine all you have gone through, but praise the Lord with you that you have the Savior to comfort you in your grief. I pray you will continue to find comfort in the days ahead.
Posted by: Beckie | March 09, 2008 at 06:11 PM